What if I stumble?
//Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling...
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall? //
- DC Talk
That's definately a question I ask myself a lot - what if I stumble? What if I have already stumbled? What if I'm not really going anywhere - I'm just kind of dragging myself along. Why do I still get the best of me? Why can't I just get it together? Why does God feel so far away from me sometimes? Why do I have these questions? I sometimes feel like I'm swimming in this mine-field when I'm at university - defending myself. Defending what I believe. But at the same time, the friends I've made at university who don't believe what I do are the ones who are the most supportive of my studies. I can't really explain it properly... but it's kind of like this.
I have a great youth group. They are really awesome people. But lately it's been the last place I wanna be at times, simply because I don't feel that they take me seriously and seem to think I'm wasting my time at uni studying all these languages. I don't need that from my friends. I get enough of that from my extended family - had a rather exciting lunch with all the rellies on Dad's side of the family and they seemed to be implying that me wanting to learn all these languages implied that I thought I was too good for NZ. Well, evidently, if I'm learning languages I want to ultimately travel, but I am still a kiwi, through and through. I don't think I'm any better than them. They seem to think studying in general is a good thing, since they support my cousin's architecture degree, but apparently mine just doesn't cut it. They're all busy congratulating his B, and I'm just thinking "does anyone actually care that I haven't got anything lower than an A- all trimester?" I'm not doing this to IMPRESS people - but maybe occasionally I'd like my friends to ask how it's going, or maybe express the tiniest bit of support for what I'm doing.
My friends at university, on the other hand, are totally supportive of my studies, ask me how I am, congratulate me when I get good marks, study with me and are generally a lot nicer about it. Most of my uni friends aren't Christians, and they don't seem to have a problem with me being one but I can tell they just don't understand. To this problem one could answer: "well, there you go! you're out on the mission field! you can show the example of Jesus to them!" To which my reply is: "don't you think I'm trying?" And I am... but I don't feel comfortable discussing anything relating to struggles with uni at youth group, coz I feel like they don't actually care enough about uni to want to discuss it. Like if I brought it up, they'd be all like "well, you chose to go to university". Well... I dunno if they would. Stewart's at uni, too. But he doesn't go that often, I don't think. I've made a lot of friends at uni, and that's the problem... kind of... like, I need Christian mates just to be able to relate to on that spiritual level. But I also need people who I can relate to on things like course stress, how hard it really is to learn languages, how stressed and tired I am, how I have so much work to do... what I don't need is people who think I'm wasting my time studying in the first place. Maybe I'm over-reacting, maybe I'm just tired, maybe I'm just an idiot who reads into things too much and they're only teasing me (they do it alot) but it's getting to a weird point and I no longer know how to react. Thank goodness I have a babysitting job on youth group nights for the next little while. It'll give me time to sort myself out... pray a lot... just get my head together. I'm such an idiot sometimes...
I also feel like I'm failing everytime I try to talk to people about my faith. I feel like a fool, like I can't explain it properly, like maybe I'm not a real Christian if people don't get what I'm talking about? I feel like I'm compromising without even realising it - I'm compromising my standards to relate to uni friends. And that's not on. It's my problem to resolve with God... I can't do this on my own. It's just not going to happen. Without God I am nothing, and I cannot possibly hope to show him to the world if he's not with me... ack... I need sleep.
ALP,
Rosie
Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling...
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall? //
- DC Talk
That's definately a question I ask myself a lot - what if I stumble? What if I have already stumbled? What if I'm not really going anywhere - I'm just kind of dragging myself along. Why do I still get the best of me? Why can't I just get it together? Why does God feel so far away from me sometimes? Why do I have these questions? I sometimes feel like I'm swimming in this mine-field when I'm at university - defending myself. Defending what I believe. But at the same time, the friends I've made at university who don't believe what I do are the ones who are the most supportive of my studies. I can't really explain it properly... but it's kind of like this.
I have a great youth group. They are really awesome people. But lately it's been the last place I wanna be at times, simply because I don't feel that they take me seriously and seem to think I'm wasting my time at uni studying all these languages. I don't need that from my friends. I get enough of that from my extended family - had a rather exciting lunch with all the rellies on Dad's side of the family and they seemed to be implying that me wanting to learn all these languages implied that I thought I was too good for NZ. Well, evidently, if I'm learning languages I want to ultimately travel, but I am still a kiwi, through and through. I don't think I'm any better than them. They seem to think studying in general is a good thing, since they support my cousin's architecture degree, but apparently mine just doesn't cut it. They're all busy congratulating his B, and I'm just thinking "does anyone actually care that I haven't got anything lower than an A- all trimester?" I'm not doing this to IMPRESS people - but maybe occasionally I'd like my friends to ask how it's going, or maybe express the tiniest bit of support for what I'm doing.
My friends at university, on the other hand, are totally supportive of my studies, ask me how I am, congratulate me when I get good marks, study with me and are generally a lot nicer about it. Most of my uni friends aren't Christians, and they don't seem to have a problem with me being one but I can tell they just don't understand. To this problem one could answer: "well, there you go! you're out on the mission field! you can show the example of Jesus to them!" To which my reply is: "don't you think I'm trying?" And I am... but I don't feel comfortable discussing anything relating to struggles with uni at youth group, coz I feel like they don't actually care enough about uni to want to discuss it. Like if I brought it up, they'd be all like "well, you chose to go to university". Well... I dunno if they would. Stewart's at uni, too. But he doesn't go that often, I don't think. I've made a lot of friends at uni, and that's the problem... kind of... like, I need Christian mates just to be able to relate to on that spiritual level. But I also need people who I can relate to on things like course stress, how hard it really is to learn languages, how stressed and tired I am, how I have so much work to do... what I don't need is people who think I'm wasting my time studying in the first place. Maybe I'm over-reacting, maybe I'm just tired, maybe I'm just an idiot who reads into things too much and they're only teasing me (they do it alot) but it's getting to a weird point and I no longer know how to react. Thank goodness I have a babysitting job on youth group nights for the next little while. It'll give me time to sort myself out... pray a lot... just get my head together. I'm such an idiot sometimes...
I also feel like I'm failing everytime I try to talk to people about my faith. I feel like a fool, like I can't explain it properly, like maybe I'm not a real Christian if people don't get what I'm talking about? I feel like I'm compromising without even realising it - I'm compromising my standards to relate to uni friends. And that's not on. It's my problem to resolve with God... I can't do this on my own. It's just not going to happen. Without God I am nothing, and I cannot possibly hope to show him to the world if he's not with me... ack... I need sleep.
ALP,
Rosie
posted by Rosie @ 11:03 pm
2 Comments:
At 5:06 pm,
Anonymous said…
Hi Rosie. I'm glad you're doing so well, even if it's difficult (university is supposed to be).
Don't be hard on yourself for not being able to explain what you believe. That's about the hardest thing there is to do.
What is this 'sleep' you speak of?
At 7:16 am,
Jingle Bella said…
Hey Rosie babes *big hug*
Hang in there, girl. It sounds like you're doing great - and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better (I'm not that sort of person). Life is hard sometimes; that's how it works. Unfortunately just because people are Christians doesn't always mean they're caring (though naturally as Christians we're called to care) and just because people are supportive and great in other ways doesn't mean they're receptive to Christianity (wouldn't it be easier if that was the case!)
Hmm, I think I'm going to email you instead of posting a massive-as comment here - go check your email! lol. Take care. God loves you. I love you. Bri loves you ;).
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