Countdown mode... 5 days

Only 5 days left til Livefire! I have to admit that I'm really looking forward to it - I'm sure it's gonna go off. At the same time as I have these great expectations, however, I'm trying not to get too excited in case it sucks. I really don't want to be disappointed. I'm sure I won't be, but the way things have been going lately... I dunno. I think it's gonna be just what the doctor ordered (The Great Physician, that is) and I'm gonna come back having had a really good time but I'm getting a little exasperated at the fact that I can be such a mountain top Christian. Like I'm all fired up when things are going well but I always crawl back into my own comfortable little life and let things get me down / lose sight of my priorities / start forgetting about that whole Great Comission thing. What have I done to further the Kingdom of God lately? The answer is probably not very much. I try. I really do. And I know I can do all things through God. But I don't do a lot of those all things. There's always a thorn in the flesh. There are a whole bunch of them at the moment. Things don't exactly suck, but things aren't exactly great.

Being a caring person is really hard work. It seriously is. Being caring is not for sissies, let me tell you. Caring about someone takes a lot out of you. Their wounds become your wounds. Their problems your problems. Sometimes there's a whole lot of emotional weight leaning on you. Sometimes they don't really want your help at all and can be hurtful, nasty, cutting... and then sometimes they'll tell you they're fine and you know they're lying to your face. Either way it hurts. And no one can deal with that on their own. I have a really hard time bringing things to God. I know you should. Everyone says that: "just give it to God". Sometimes it's not that easy. You say "God, I give this over to you" but your hearts not in it, you haven't really done anything, it goes deeper... and you can't understand why it just isn't going away. Why it doesn't magically disappear. And why it resurfaces ten times worse the next day!

I really don't get God sometimes. I really disappoint God a lot of the time. I try and I try to be a soldier but I'm just not very good at it. It's only through Him that I can do these things so I should probably stop trying to convince Him that I'm doing fine by my own. I'm going to admit this now - I'm not a very good Christian. I'm not very good at being the on fire Christian I like to profess I am. If God graded people on being Christians, I'd be getting C-'s all the way. I like being good at things. I mostly get A's, however geeky that may be. Admitting I'm not good at something is hard (unless it's sport, I'll admit that any day of the week because, come on, it's obviously). You can fake your way through being a good Christian, though, but you can't fool God. People might think I'm a fine upstanding Christian girl. I go to church every Sunday, bible study on Tuesday, church choir Wednesday, worship service Friday. If I'm just going coz that's what I do, then I shouldn't be doing it. Right now I feel like I'm at the end of my wick, my candle has burnt out and I'm sitting here, waiting for something, trying to keep glowing with this tiny bit of wax and string left. Lord, I need You to give me a new candle, one that isn't going to run out anytime soon.

/Lord renew in me the fire of Your Spirit
so I begin to see the power of Your love
Make my life to be blazing with Your holiness
Father, fan the flame in me
To be holy, for Your honour
so that Christ be seen in me
To be holy, in Your likeness
Father, fan the flame in me/

Better jet, bed calls. Back to university tomorrow, my own personal battlefield. God, give me the strength to make it through this week and please, please be with me. Prepare me for renewal this weekend. I'm not going to make it through without You.