Nostalgia isn't what it used to be...
Been awhile since I blogged, hasn't it? Hmm. I guess I've been doing other things. A whole trimester has gone by! I've survived, as you do. I'm never particularly good at keeping up with everything, I tend to let time slip away on me but then again, it's not as if I have anything that exciting to say anyway. I don't think anyone really reads my blog but it's almost good just to be able to look back on my ramblings and think "hmm, I was really a complete pyschopath that day". It allows me to take precautionary measures to ensure that nothing like that ever happens again. You know, things like never leaving the house, never talking to anyone, cutting down my caffiene intake and actually sleeping at night. Those are good precautionary measures, though all entirely overrated activities. I'll just stick with being a nutcase.
So yeah. We had New Zeal this weekend. It really was great. It was a good weekend, the speaking was great, I got a grand total of 71 pages of notes. My sister then informed me that they were, for the most part, completely irrelevant. Is it completely terrible to occasionally dislike my sister? I just find her terribly condescending sometimes. This whole God thing comes so much easier to her, she's so much better at being a Christian and not a raving lunatic that sometimes I am just so insanely jealous and would really like to throw her out of a tall building. Well, I'd make sure there was a massive as trampoline or one of those cool spongy things you use in PE underneath the really tall building before I actually threw her, she is my sister. And I do like her. I think I would probably like her if she weren't my sister. Maybe more than I do now, even. How did this end up as a rant about my sister? For the record, my sister is lovely. She's a lovely, well put together, smart, beautiful young lady and really has the whole relationship with God thing down pat.
I occasionally feel like her antithesis. I have come to the conclusion recently that sometimes I am not very nice to the people around me, I'm not very organised, I do incredibly stupid things and I really have no idea what I'm doing with anything. To be perfectly blunt, things are not good for me right now. There is no real reason why things are not good with me right now - after all, the main cause of stress in my life affects the rest of my family possibly more than it affects me. My dad is sick. It's not life threatening or anything, it's just debilitating and frustrating because it's been going on forever and it's really changed things in the family. Things are actually on the up at the moment. Dad's still up and down but Mum got a new job and it's really good for her. I've all but finished uni for the year - still an essay and an exam to go, but otherwise I'm off til next February - so the stress of uni's pretty much off me. I should be happier than I am now. I should be... I don't know, better. Less obnoxious. Less annoying. Something.
Maybe it's just me but recently I've been feeling like I'm never in a consistent state of happiness. I mean, I have random bursts of happiness, sure. But never a consistent state of happiness. And I'm supposed to be happy, I know that. Joy in all situations or something along those lines. I'm really struggling with everything, to be perfectly frank. I'm struggling with my faith a lot at the moment. And I know I shouldn't be. I really shouldn't be. I thought I went through the worst of it when I was in Canada, I thought I'd gotten the doubt and the craziness out of my system. What the heck.
Things were going so well, you know? I had it sorted. I was really on fire for God. I knew what He wanted from me, He'd told me about the grand scheme of things and I know what He's got in store for me in the future. At least, I know what I thought He had in store for me. I could be wrong. I can barely get through the now. I know I'm supposed to finish uni, He made that clear, but the problem is that I can't hear Him at the moment so who knows if I'm doing what I'm supposed to? And I know He'll listen to me and speak to me but at the moment, I can't bring myself to try to talk to God because.. I don't know. I'm mad. I'm really mad at God because Dad is sick and we've been praying so much and I know He can do anything but He's not. Dad had a vision that he'd be able to run a marathon before he turned 50 and I felt like it was a sign that things would be better soon but instead it felt like things got worse and can we take four more years of Dad being sick? It feels like God's playing some sort of a game with us. It's like when see how many times you can poke the cat before it scratches you. Is He trying to see how far He can push us? How far our loyalty can go? How much we can trust Him? If so, I'm trying, I really am. I am honestly, truly, trying to hold on as much as I can but seriously, couldn't He just heal my dad?
I scare myself a little sometimes with how not fine I am and how fine I pretend to be. I'm a hypocrite. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I help with the children's church. I go to bible study. I sing in the choir. I help with Junior Youth Group. I'm involved with a group on campus. I help teach Bible in Schools. I'm in a band and we're singing these songs that I wrote almost a year ago now and I'm looking at them and realising that I haven't written a song since February because I haven't been able to. And I hate it a little, but what I hate more is that I don't really hate it. But who the heck am I supposed to admit all this to? I mean, I look fine on the outside the majority of the time. People aren't supposed to see my cracks. And then this weekend, when the speaker said "you might be fooling everyone, you may be fooling yourself, but you're not fooling God" and it just sent shivers right down me. And I'm thinking: "is this a make or break kind of moment? Do I have to decide all over again if I am in or out?"
It's a weird feeling. I'm so involved with everything that if I just quit everything I did, it'd cause a massive as stir and I really can't deal with that kind of drama but I don't know if I want to just be going through the motions. Because I know these things were important to me once and in a way, they still are. They really still are. I'm just finding it hard at the moment. I just want to be as sure as I was just a few months ago. I want... something, I don't really know what it is exactly that I want, but whatever it is, sure, okay. There's something that I need to do - pray about it, I guess. Spend more time in the prayer room. I've been avoiding it like the plague recently. I went in today for the first time in a good few months. It was... well, still there. I know that effort needs to be made on my part, I know that I need to actually get in there, into the thick of things but the truth is that I've never been good at prayer or getting into scripture and the fact that I don't really want to at the moment is not making it easy. Before, sure I wasn't great at it but I wanted to talk to God and I wanted to read my Bible and now... I kind of don't. And it feels blasphemous to even say that and it feels like I'm a complete screw-up and nothing is going right for me at the moment.
I know what I believe. I know about God. I have met Him. I know in my heart of hearts that God exists and it's going to take a lot more than this - whatever this is - to convince me otherwise but there's something wrong, I can't pinpoint it exactly and it's killing me a little. While everyone else around me moves forward, lives their lives, sorts things out, has things work out for them I am here, standing still, and all my accomplishments seem like nothing, nothing I do seems to have any meaning, all I am doing is working and drinking too much coffee and quite honestly, nearly killing myself, living on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and for what? Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless. I am running out of patience with myself. If I really believe what I profess to believe, I know that despite all of my failures, God loves me. He loves me enough to die for me. He loves me even if I don't love myself. Right now, I don't love myself. I don't even like myself. If I were someone else and I met me, I probably wouldn't mind me but if I were someone else and I saw through me, then I would probably leave the room because that person is a white washed tomb, a complete and utter disaster area, pretty much dead spiritually and trying to pretend that everything's okay. And I can't accept that! But I'm having trouble changing that. Maybe I'm being hard on myself, maybe I'm just too tired to even be thinking about this but... my gut tells me things are not right. My gut tells me I'm not right. I'm not even trying to be right. And I can't seem to find the energy or even the desire to try to be right.
I did get it, once upon a time, didn't I? I guess that's what I mean by putting the title as "nostalgia isn't what it used to be" - I can remember being onto it. Being really and truly connected with God. Now it's just kind of... there as a distant memory and a thing I'm supposed to cling onto, to really understand. I don't know who to talk to about this. I don't know who I'm supposed to come clean to so I'm just going to jet this long, rambling post off into cyberspace and maybe someone somewhere can give me some perspective because honestly I don't know what to do about it anymore. Then again, I suppose half the security of posting this monstrosity is that I know the chances of anyone reading it are slim and I couldn't bring myself to explain any of this - again, whatever this is - to someone's face. Because I am supposed to have it all together. Everyone else does. I hate pride sometimes. Cause it's what's stopping me from actually having someone I'm fully accountable to. For someone who's supposed to be a fine upstanding Christian I certainly am a joke sometimes. Good grief.
It's late. I might feel better tomorrow. I might realise I'm probably over reacting but in all honesty, this is probably all true and a long time coming. Maybe a good nights sleep will give me a little perspective on this.
ALP,
Rosie
So yeah. We had New Zeal this weekend. It really was great. It was a good weekend, the speaking was great, I got a grand total of 71 pages of notes. My sister then informed me that they were, for the most part, completely irrelevant. Is it completely terrible to occasionally dislike my sister? I just find her terribly condescending sometimes. This whole God thing comes so much easier to her, she's so much better at being a Christian and not a raving lunatic that sometimes I am just so insanely jealous and would really like to throw her out of a tall building. Well, I'd make sure there was a massive as trampoline or one of those cool spongy things you use in PE underneath the really tall building before I actually threw her, she is my sister. And I do like her. I think I would probably like her if she weren't my sister. Maybe more than I do now, even. How did this end up as a rant about my sister? For the record, my sister is lovely. She's a lovely, well put together, smart, beautiful young lady and really has the whole relationship with God thing down pat.
I occasionally feel like her antithesis. I have come to the conclusion recently that sometimes I am not very nice to the people around me, I'm not very organised, I do incredibly stupid things and I really have no idea what I'm doing with anything. To be perfectly blunt, things are not good for me right now. There is no real reason why things are not good with me right now - after all, the main cause of stress in my life affects the rest of my family possibly more than it affects me. My dad is sick. It's not life threatening or anything, it's just debilitating and frustrating because it's been going on forever and it's really changed things in the family. Things are actually on the up at the moment. Dad's still up and down but Mum got a new job and it's really good for her. I've all but finished uni for the year - still an essay and an exam to go, but otherwise I'm off til next February - so the stress of uni's pretty much off me. I should be happier than I am now. I should be... I don't know, better. Less obnoxious. Less annoying. Something.
Maybe it's just me but recently I've been feeling like I'm never in a consistent state of happiness. I mean, I have random bursts of happiness, sure. But never a consistent state of happiness. And I'm supposed to be happy, I know that. Joy in all situations or something along those lines. I'm really struggling with everything, to be perfectly frank. I'm struggling with my faith a lot at the moment. And I know I shouldn't be. I really shouldn't be. I thought I went through the worst of it when I was in Canada, I thought I'd gotten the doubt and the craziness out of my system. What the heck.
Things were going so well, you know? I had it sorted. I was really on fire for God. I knew what He wanted from me, He'd told me about the grand scheme of things and I know what He's got in store for me in the future. At least, I know what I thought He had in store for me. I could be wrong. I can barely get through the now. I know I'm supposed to finish uni, He made that clear, but the problem is that I can't hear Him at the moment so who knows if I'm doing what I'm supposed to? And I know He'll listen to me and speak to me but at the moment, I can't bring myself to try to talk to God because.. I don't know. I'm mad. I'm really mad at God because Dad is sick and we've been praying so much and I know He can do anything but He's not. Dad had a vision that he'd be able to run a marathon before he turned 50 and I felt like it was a sign that things would be better soon but instead it felt like things got worse and can we take four more years of Dad being sick? It feels like God's playing some sort of a game with us. It's like when see how many times you can poke the cat before it scratches you. Is He trying to see how far He can push us? How far our loyalty can go? How much we can trust Him? If so, I'm trying, I really am. I am honestly, truly, trying to hold on as much as I can but seriously, couldn't He just heal my dad?
I scare myself a little sometimes with how not fine I am and how fine I pretend to be. I'm a hypocrite. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I help with the children's church. I go to bible study. I sing in the choir. I help with Junior Youth Group. I'm involved with a group on campus. I help teach Bible in Schools. I'm in a band and we're singing these songs that I wrote almost a year ago now and I'm looking at them and realising that I haven't written a song since February because I haven't been able to. And I hate it a little, but what I hate more is that I don't really hate it. But who the heck am I supposed to admit all this to? I mean, I look fine on the outside the majority of the time. People aren't supposed to see my cracks. And then this weekend, when the speaker said "you might be fooling everyone, you may be fooling yourself, but you're not fooling God" and it just sent shivers right down me. And I'm thinking: "is this a make or break kind of moment? Do I have to decide all over again if I am in or out?"
It's a weird feeling. I'm so involved with everything that if I just quit everything I did, it'd cause a massive as stir and I really can't deal with that kind of drama but I don't know if I want to just be going through the motions. Because I know these things were important to me once and in a way, they still are. They really still are. I'm just finding it hard at the moment. I just want to be as sure as I was just a few months ago. I want... something, I don't really know what it is exactly that I want, but whatever it is, sure, okay. There's something that I need to do - pray about it, I guess. Spend more time in the prayer room. I've been avoiding it like the plague recently. I went in today for the first time in a good few months. It was... well, still there. I know that effort needs to be made on my part, I know that I need to actually get in there, into the thick of things but the truth is that I've never been good at prayer or getting into scripture and the fact that I don't really want to at the moment is not making it easy. Before, sure I wasn't great at it but I wanted to talk to God and I wanted to read my Bible and now... I kind of don't. And it feels blasphemous to even say that and it feels like I'm a complete screw-up and nothing is going right for me at the moment.
I know what I believe. I know about God. I have met Him. I know in my heart of hearts that God exists and it's going to take a lot more than this - whatever this is - to convince me otherwise but there's something wrong, I can't pinpoint it exactly and it's killing me a little. While everyone else around me moves forward, lives their lives, sorts things out, has things work out for them I am here, standing still, and all my accomplishments seem like nothing, nothing I do seems to have any meaning, all I am doing is working and drinking too much coffee and quite honestly, nearly killing myself, living on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and for what? Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless. I am running out of patience with myself. If I really believe what I profess to believe, I know that despite all of my failures, God loves me. He loves me enough to die for me. He loves me even if I don't love myself. Right now, I don't love myself. I don't even like myself. If I were someone else and I met me, I probably wouldn't mind me but if I were someone else and I saw through me, then I would probably leave the room because that person is a white washed tomb, a complete and utter disaster area, pretty much dead spiritually and trying to pretend that everything's okay. And I can't accept that! But I'm having trouble changing that. Maybe I'm being hard on myself, maybe I'm just too tired to even be thinking about this but... my gut tells me things are not right. My gut tells me I'm not right. I'm not even trying to be right. And I can't seem to find the energy or even the desire to try to be right.
I did get it, once upon a time, didn't I? I guess that's what I mean by putting the title as "nostalgia isn't what it used to be" - I can remember being onto it. Being really and truly connected with God. Now it's just kind of... there as a distant memory and a thing I'm supposed to cling onto, to really understand. I don't know who to talk to about this. I don't know who I'm supposed to come clean to so I'm just going to jet this long, rambling post off into cyberspace and maybe someone somewhere can give me some perspective because honestly I don't know what to do about it anymore. Then again, I suppose half the security of posting this monstrosity is that I know the chances of anyone reading it are slim and I couldn't bring myself to explain any of this - again, whatever this is - to someone's face. Because I am supposed to have it all together. Everyone else does. I hate pride sometimes. Cause it's what's stopping me from actually having someone I'm fully accountable to. For someone who's supposed to be a fine upstanding Christian I certainly am a joke sometimes. Good grief.
It's late. I might feel better tomorrow. I might realise I'm probably over reacting but in all honesty, this is probably all true and a long time coming. Maybe a good nights sleep will give me a little perspective on this.
ALP,
Rosie
posted by Rosie @ 10:32 PM
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